Date: 01/23/12 - 07:25 pm Title: Chapter 1...the beginning
I decided to review this because I saw how many chapters you have written and how little reviews you have. I realize that that must be very discouraging for some people, but you seem like you're above it because you keep posting!
I'm not a perfect writer either, but I have a few suggestions that might make your story more relatable with other people and might earn you more reviews.
The dog ran. Then it drank some water. Then it ran again. Boring, right? That's kind of how this story is going so far. DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS. Adjectives and descriptive words.
You write: After the airport we met up with my dads boss for dinner at this little café. It was around 8 when we finished eating. I was so full and ready to just go to the penthouse
You could write: Once we left the airport, everyone decided they were hungry - flying can do that you, you know! We met up with my dad's boss at this little cafe on the corner that he recommended, and I'm glad he did. I had the greatest meal - a grilled cheese panini with a fruit bowl on the side. I ate the whole thing and by the time I was done, my stomach felt like it was going to explode. I could barely make it to the penthouse.
2. fix the small grammatical errors.
(this is hard, i make this mistake a lot too, but paying attention to these will make you a better writer) *It's vs. Its. *Their vs. There vs. They're. * Too vs To.
Those are just a few.
Me - haha okay laterz, babe. Love you!
I laughed at what Kathy had just said. "Okay, I have to go. Talk to you later?" Kathy nodded through the screen and I laughed to myself again. "Love you, girl!"
Just a few principle writing suggestions.
I want this to come off as helpful criticism, not mean :)